Archive for July 2012

I returned tonight from a trip back to my old stomping grounds.  I don’t really like to go back.  I don’t feel like I belong there, there are people in the area that I really REALLY don’t want to run into, and all my stuff is here.  But, sometimes you have to go back from where you came from because parts of your life are still there.

Now that I’ve become more aware of what I put into my body, how to treat it, how it feels when I treat it correctly, and that I like the feeling I get when I do it’s even more difficult to make that trip back “home”.  Food is a non-issue.  If you want it you eat it.  If you don’t want it you eat it.  If it sits still long enough you eat it.  If you put it on my plate, but I’m not going to eat it you eat it.  Nutrition labels might as well be written in Swahili.  Fiber???  What’s that?  Serving Size???  As much as I can fit on my plate unless I eat all that and then I want more. 

I tried really hard to stick to my new guns while there.  And, I think on a lot of levels I was successful.  I was in town for a family function, so my time was pretty much tied up in preparations for that event.  I didn’t get a chance to exercise unless you count the midnight Walmart runs.  I found by Saturday evening I was missing my new routine, my food scale and my treadmill.  I tried to start each morning with my usual smoothie or oatmeal.  This was a success, but come lunch and dinner…forget it.  I did cook dinner for my parents one night, from the Skinny Taste website.  They loved it, but I know that now that I’m not there spewing my Nutritional Values and Serving Size rant they will go back to huge helpings of enriched pasta covered in melty, saucy goodness.

It makes me sad that these people who I love don’t really care how they eat.  They’ve been doing it this way for so long that it just makes sense to keep it up.  Health issues are creeping up for both of my parents, mostly my dad, who is only going to be 56 this year.  Since I’m going to be 34, fifty-six doesn’t seem that much older than me, and I don’t want to be in the same health they are when I’m up there.  Another thought is my husband will be close to retirement from his job by the age of 56, and there is no way we could enjoy that retirement if he or I were in the shape my parents are in.

While the photo of me on the beach is an “in my face” reminder of what I don’t want to look like now, my parent’s are reminders of what I don’t want to look like in the future.

I haven’t been keeping up with my Couch 2 5K workout, so I’m going to redo week 2, and then continue on.  If the weather cools off a little bit soon I’m hoping to get outside in the early morning.

I’m glad to be back home where I can live healthy and show my kids how to live healthy.  I’m glad to be back home where I can weigh every gram of food I’m thinking of putting into my mouth and keep track of it so I know what is going in; not so I can be a Nazi about it, but so that I can make good choices.  I’m glad to be back home where I don’t have food temptations all around me (even though my mom was very good about asking me what I wanted or needed.)  I’m glad to be back home where I belong.


The motivation is waning…I can feel it.  I can tell.  The alarm doesn’t make me want to jump out of bed in the morning.  I’m staying up way too late.  I’m letting my kids stay up way too late.  I know that no matter what time I put them in bed they are still going to be up at 8am, so why do I let them stay up too late…because it’s summer and that’s what you do in the summer time.  Stay up late.  But them not going to bed until 10:30 or 11 means I don’t get to go to bed until 12ish.  That is just too late if I want to get up at 6:30.  I need to be going to bed at 10:30, and I’m pretty sure that’s not going to happen.

So, how do I make it happen?  By the end of the day I am wishing I’d gotten up and got moving early.  I’m also noticing that when I sleep later my eating is messed up and then I’m hungry late because I haven’t eaten enough during the day.  I’ve still been okay on the snacking, but it is getting harder again.

I need to change it.  I need to get back to a bedtime that lets me get enough sleep for me and still lets me get up early enough to get my workout in.  Slow results lead to loss of interest for me, and I’m there.  With the calorie counting and no outward physical results (ie: I’m still wearing the same size and it doesn’t feel that different) I don’t feel like doing this anymore. 

Tomorrow will be better…since it is Sunday I don’t have a choice to sleep in because we have church.  I will make the best effort to get up and run.  I will make my best effort to start my day before 10am.  I will.

The past few days have been going well.  Maybe not great as far as the exercise goes.  My hubby has been off, so I’ve been staying up late to see him which cuts into my getting my butt out of bed to work out early routine.  I will say though, that I do miss it, and am looking forward to getting back to it.  I like getting up before the kids and having some time to start my brain before my mommy duties begin.

Aside from the lack of exercising (which I am doing, just not as regularly as I was) my eating has been great.  I’m having such success with the My Fitness Pal app.  A few years ago I had gotten a weight watchers point counter and started using that; having good success with it.  But I found the looking up of “points” a pain.  The MFP app is so much easier for me, and available on all of my electronics.

Case in point on the eating, Hubby and I had a date night and we went to a steak house.  In the past I would have eaten half of the bucket of peanuts on the table, ordered my own salad, had at least 1 roll (but really, probably 2, who are we kidding) plus my meal of a steak, baked potato with butter and sour cream, and probably whatever vegetable they were going to throw on there because I wasn’t going to eat it, washing it all down with a diet whatever.  But, tonight I chose differently, because I’m NOT on a diet, I’m making better choices.  I had lots of calories left over for the day since I knew we were going out.  I did have a few peanuts, but not as many as I would have in the past, I split 1 roll with hubby, and I ate a little bit of his salad (mostly the tomatoes since he doesn’t like them and a few cucumbers).  I did order a 6oz filet but as my sides I chose the rice pilaf and a grilled veggie skewer.  Can I just tell you that those grilled veggies were better than ANY baked potato I have ever had.  I cut them all up and mixed them with my rice.  It was so good!!!  Why had I never done that before.  Why was I convinced that when you order a steak you automatically get a potato and douse it in creamy fat?  Things are changing in my brain and in my mouth and I like it.  I was never a veggie eater but now that I’m having more of them I do enjoy them.  I’d almost go so far as to say that I crave them.  I wouldn’t mind ordering just the rice and the veggies from that steak house and they can hold the steak! What??  Who am I??

I’m down 6lbs since I started 2 weeks ago, and even though I know my progress will slow soon, I hope to continue with a steady, consistent loss in the next few weeks.  I know the road is long and I’ve got to be committed to making the changes all the way, not just half @$$ed.  I get frustrated when I feel like I’m making great strides and then I see a full length mirror.  I remember that I’ve still got so far to go, and it gets kind of disheartening.  But, what I’m doing now is better than what I was doing 2 weeks ago, and keeping up the progress is the #1 priority for me right now.  Not the number on the scale, not the reflection in the mirror.  Right now it’s about forming the habit and retraining myself.  I feel like I’m at a cross roads, too.  I can feel my old habits nagging at me.  I can feel that pang of complacency, and have to hold back from eating a handful of graham cracker sticks, or hanging out on the couch with my old pal Bag ‘O Chips.  Mistaking boredom for hunger is my biggest hurdle, and it seemed pretty easy to ignore at the beginning.  But now that I’m really in it, and my brain knows that these changes are here to stay my tummy seems to be revolting.  I will be strong.  I will not deny myself something if I really want it.  I especially will not deny myself something if I’ve been “good” all day and working for it (like the Dippin’ Dots I had yesterday!).  I just have to remember that I’m human.  I am the best me there is, and I have to remember how I feel when I make good choices and how I feel when I make not so great choices.  I would like to promise myself that I will do my very best to make the good choices.

Today we went to a graduation party for one of my many cousins.  Now, if you know my family, or are familiar with a “Cookie Table” you know what this party was like.  I tried my best to stay away from the table, and all the snacks and treats laying around.  But, honestly, I was starving!  We left straight from church so we were there during lunch time, and I hadn’t packed ahead.  I know, I know I should have, but I just didn’t have the time this morning.  And while I know everyone has off days, blah blah blah, I just feel so mad because I ate a few cookies.  Granted it was about 5x less than I would have in the past, but still.  

Are there degrees of “mourning” during a lifestyle change?  If so than I think I’m entering into anger.  I’m angry with myself for not planning ahead for today, I’m angry with myself for not getting up this morning before church to workout, I’m angry that I even have to get up to workout, I’m angry that meal planning takes more time now, I’m angry that I am angry.  It’s all very exhausting.

Maybe I need to add some St. John’s Wart to my Biotin and Vitamin D…

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